I think you could describe the environment a lot better. My mind made a lot of adjustments throughout the story. The transformation seemed random, and the word "everywhere" makes a bad adjective.
Also, this sentence needs some fixing: A women pointed at him, yelling something as he ran to him.
Your story had a very good hook. Now describe some more. A writer should be able to turn words into a living breathing world if he/she wanted to. And I think you should want to.
"A women pointed at him, yelling something as he ran to him."
meant that to be, "A women pointed, yelling as she ran to him." or something to that affect. I didn't edit this at all. so you thought, 2/5? 3?
thanks for the comment.
Edited both and added to the first chapter. Tried to keep what you said in mind Ninva. Give it a read
i shall read more this when im officially more or less 'awake', but i picked some things up...
"clenching his fists to stop him from screaming in pain"
im no engl1sh |\/|4st3r, but i think that doesn't make sense unless you add the him in bold into that sentence.
"grey stone wall that looked unremarkable"
well, i dunno why, but this bothers me for some reason. unremarkable means ordinary.
maybe Unremarkably plain? i dunno. this is not really an error, just something that bothered me.
well, ill read it more in detail after i wake up XP
good writing though, keep it up.
I'm on a page about incorrect corrections, and spent the better part of like two hours trying to get someone to understand that -5^2 = -25, not 25, and then that post had comments get reposted because that group is self sustaining, and that person was in turn trying to explain what I just explained to them. And I'm taking that as a victory
I will be AFK for a couple of days you guys hold down the fort while I am gone. I will be checking in on my phone but that will severly limit me. Be back saturday!