Seth Cross Writing

[Rinpun]

Hahaha

I think they didn't plan it ahead of time (dang Blizzard), so they're going with the standard planes of existence. And you know (should anyway) how that goes. Flat world, no space, lot's of planes to warp to.

 

[DM Cross]

Aka, a crappy cosmo!

It makes me sad that it could have been so great, and now it's so...It.

 

[Rinpun]

Hahaha

Doesn't matter. Just educate yourself and we can both create something much better story-wise...somehow

 

[1JadedJen]

(Edited for content)

They’ve told me that the only thing to fear is fear itself…
But I’ve always had a lot to fear, myself…

I am very impressed. The first line I read and thought 'how cliche', but the second line pulled it away from that and made these two lines stick in my head throughout the rest of the act.

Sorry, I am a little behind in my reading, I've had company this week

 

[Rinpun]

Dang, I think I left out the detail in my comment on those poems.

*Checks*

Crap. Well, here is what I REALLY have to say:

(And now you'll be tired of hearing me say "say" )

Yes I must say, I definitely felt the poet's flow through the first two poems at least. Like I said, it sounded like the Author had a mood swing. A mood swing in the poet's flow sense. I think I forgot to mention it wasn't a very sudden mood swing, if all three poems were put side by side, I think I could match them up pretty well. First comes Fear, then Depression, and then Anger. You can tell because the poems blend well. At the end of Fear the describer seems to talk like he is depressed, and it turns to anger at the end of Depression, for he wishes destruction of sorts, but is in quite a confused state in mind.

I'd have to say Anger was the strange one. Looked more like a stream of vulgarity than a poem

 

[DM Cross]

You have to think about what anger really is. Pure rage. Do you say and do everything you actually mean when you're angry? Well, yes and no. Being angry is a lot like...Maybe being drunk...Impares your judgement. You say something or do something that you want SO BADLY to say or do, but typically, you wouldn't because you realize how hurtful it may be, or how dangerous that could be...But when you're enraged, you lose all of that judgement. You are nothing more then danger, incarnated into a soul form until you have finally cooled down and can think. That's why it was so...Blunt, to say the least. I forgot who I was talking about, or that this person may have feelings, I just said every word I could find that would crush them, and I said it loud.

 

[DM Cross]

I am very impressed. The first line I read and thought 'how cliche', but the second line pulled it away from that and made these two lines stick in my head throughout the rest of the act.

Sorry, I am a little behind in my reading, I've had company this week

Thank you, I think...Yeah, I never really liked that line either, but then again, I don't like most of them That's probably because of what they embody.

 

[1JadedJen]

Yes it was a compliment on how you took something old and put your spin on it to make it new again....make the reader stop and think about it for a minute.

 

[DM Cross]

If you like stuff like that, then you have to read some of my books!

(If I ever finish them...)

 

[DM Cross]

Imagine, Picture, Pretend

This is a poem I've always loved...It's my favorite (and the fact that I have a favorite of my own work says a LOT! I typically refuse to like them...)

Anyway, here it is: Imagine, Picture, Pretend...

Imagine, Picture, Pretend…
Dedicated to my imagination, where all these writings come from…

Imagine a world where the light is dark
Where every demon has left its mark…

Picture a realm where the best dreams are a nightmare
And where the people have never even thought of what’s ‘fair’

Try to pretend a day of your life so bad, you wish it were your last
That everything’s just building up, every second of your past

Do you know what I just asked you to imagine, picture and pretend?
I just asked you to be me, in the dark, confused, not a single friend…

Everyday, I get so angry; I just want to scream it all out
But I learned, a long time ago, it’s useless to shout

Black, white, good, bad, pleasure, pain
The world won’t care, to them; it’s all the same

How, you may ask, have I not gone totally insane?
I have, haven’t you noticed, or do have I always been the same?

Was I born with a lack of sanity?
Or did I get it after this treatment of inhumanity?

So messed up, can I really tell wrong from right?
Or is everything the same to me, as if I’m blind in the night?

Now you have to be wondering, why I’m asking you?
It’s because even I don’t know these answers, I don’t know what to do…

So I guess I’ll take it all in, day after day, after day…
Walking my path…trying to find my way…

 

[Rinpun]

Not bad

I honestly don't know which ones I like the most, they all have their unique flow and rhythm. And, FYI, I hope you don't slave over trying to find a rhyme for your poems, because a Poet doesn't need to rhyme to make a Poem. A flow is a flow, rhythm is rhythm.

 

[DM Cross]

Actually, the words do that themselves...I don't really have to try for a rhyme...

As a side-note, I'm curently re-writing Chapter 4 for Corruption! It's one of my personal favorites, as it reveals a lot about Alexander.

 

[DM Cross]

Editors

Hey, I'm ALWAYS looking for new editors for my books, so IF anyone wants, I'll see if I can post Chapter 1 of Corruption for anyone to read...Just let me know what you think, and also, PLEASE tell me if ya find any spelling/gramatical errors...(That's if anyone even wants me to post it, lol!)

 

[Rinpun]

I'd have no problem with that

 

[DM Cross]

Ta da! Corruption, Chapter 1! (I warn you now, one of the main characters, Alexander, is NOT in this chapter! He makes his appearence at the END of Chapter TWO(2)!) Enjoy!

 

[Rinpun]

Very nice. Blake likes a nice cliched start (starting with a dream is a very nice way to start a dark book)

Well I'll point out the first few of your very low in number mistakes

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"Spinning so she was **laying** on her back, the girl stared up at the monster that had chased her all this time."

Lying, perhaps?

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"Twenty minutes later, she emerged from the shower, a **robbed**, dripping figure in white."

Shouldn't it be a robed, dripping figure? Robbed, well, you should know what that means

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"Her own emerald green eyes stared back at herself, and then roamed up and down her **robbed** figure."

Once again the same error.

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"Her parents very rarely told her no."

Fragment sentence anyone? At least worded wrong? I think something of the sort is the problem with this sentence.

---

If I would like to make a minor point here. Those following Christian principles will NOT divorce or argue as much as you've stated. Maybe you'll make a minor point that they didn't fully believe either or something. My aunt divorced but reformed herself, so I know. Christianity doesn't believe in divorce.

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"She was heading to the forest that was near her home. The so-called ‘haunted woods’ of South River."

Compound sentence! Preferably, this:

"She was heading to the forest that was near her home, the so-called ‘haunted woods’ of South River."

Simple change I know, but it'll make you look better if you can use compound sentences appropriately

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"All they want is a good story. Even a made-up one."

Again, but these two should be conjoined via semicolon.

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"**she** thought to herself, sarcastically."

Simple punctuation error. Capitalize

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"**she** thought, desperately. She needed to get to school soon, or risk being late!"

Same.

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"Hunters with supernatural senses, making them the ultimate trackers."

Fragment as is. Change to:

"There were Hunters, who had supernatural senses, making them the ultimate trackers."

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"Witches became corrupt, going underground and hiding away from **they’re** predators, helping their creations, the Vampires."

It's supposed to be 'their predators'.

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"Elizabeth’s mind, spinning as it was, had recalled the memory from Pinaha’s book, and had instantly slipped the idea in to confuse her. But now, she just shook her head at the absurd idea."

Join the sentences with a comma, so that it is "...confuse her, but now..."

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"There’s no way, she rationalized. Vampires aren’t real! Kevin Pinaha writes fantasy, not fiction. Damn this stupid headache, it’s making me jumpy."

Two errors here. First, it should be "'There is no way' She rationalized." Second of all, non-fiction means it's true. Fantasy IS fiction.

---

"At first, her mind didn’t comprehend**,** she just wouldn’t let it."

Change comma in asterisks, to semicolon.

 

[DM Cross]

Lol, I hate puncutation!

As for the 'she thought's, that's actually SUPPOSED to be like that...I was trying to make the "thoughts" look like dialog, as well...If you get what I mean.

Yes, I'll change the compound stuff. I don't always think about what it sounds like when I put it on paper, thinking too much about it in my mind.

Cool, thanks! So, what did you actually think about the STORY? You pointed out my mistakes, and I appreciate it, but you didn't tell me if you liked or didn't like.

-Edit-

Hmm, if this dominates the thread too much, I'm going to make a new one for my books. (Repeat) this isn't my thread, I'm just using it!

 

[Rinpun]

No it's not. It has to be She thought, not she thought to be like dialog, which was what I was considering.

The story is pretty good aside from the flaws

Writers MUST like punctuation to be a writer. Otherwise, you look like the average street clown making devil signs and saying "I'm a dark dude. I'm cool. Yea."

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"Next to that was what looked like a crypt. One of those buildings that you walk into, and then go down a flight of stairs to find a room of coffins."

Hm. I think you can tell the error here

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"The bricks, however, were darker then usual. A blood red."

Semicolon to get rid of fragment....

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"Elizabeth thought she could **heard** a booming noise coming from it."

Use hear, not heard.

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"The recognition of every one of those buildings had hit her so hard, she was a second away from fainting."

Change the comma to 'that'.

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"The things pinaha wrote about weren’t some idea, or made up story."

Capitalization has been forgotten.

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"But it just can’t* *possibly be a Vampire city!"

You have a double space between the asterisks.

---

"She recognized three of them. Two girls and one of the two boys."

Join the two via comma.

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"The girls with Katelyn and Christine; two of the pretty, popular girls."

Should be changed to:

"The girls were Katelyn and Christine, two of the pretty, popular girls. "

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“I swear, I could see people biting each other...?”

No comma needed.

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"But worst then the image of the two predators holding their prey, while they continued feasting was Christine’s eyes."

It's 'than' not 'then'.

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"I have to get out of here! she practically screamed in her own mind."

Same old error. Capitalize 'she'.

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"She had been so close to never knowing. If she had walked away only a second earlier, she could have gone to school and never known that Vampires were real."

Join sentences via semicolon.

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"Oh, ****! she yelled, mentally."

Same old Capitalization error. By the way, what group of people are you writing too? I personally think you're better off saying she cursed and leave it at that, because then more people will enjoy reading it.

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"New Blood had never been found by the Guardians and Hunters after it had been rebuilt."

Should be changed to:

"The Guardians and Hunters had never found New Blood after it had been rebuilt."

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"If he had, then surely he’d have been confronted by every Vampire and Witch in New Blood. Or at least by a Guardian."

Could be conjoined via a comma.

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"But he hadn’t. Which led Elizabeth to come to the conclusion that his world wasn’t real."

Could be conjoined via a comma.

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"Both Jonathan and the boy called Brant had had the same tattoo on their wrists. The chain of fangs."

Should be changed to:

"Both Jonathan and the boy called Brant had had the same tattoo on their wrists--the chain of fangs."

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"What about Kevin Pinaha? she reminded herself."

Same capitalization mistake.

---

"Her favorite writer was insane. Nothing out of the ordinary."

Conjoin via ', but that was'.

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"Sheesh, people, stop smiling at me! You know how hard it is to smile after you watch a murder? *she* demanded of them."

....

---

And that is the last of the errors I can make out. Good job so far

Let's see....

Likes--

Well, you're very vivid in your descriptions. I like that part.

Awesome beginning, it is a standard cliche that works well...the dream of something nasty clutching the dreamer...

Unique idea. The idea of having a goth-like person as the protagonist is, well, very strange and interesting.

Dislikes--

Incorrect assumptions of other believes and thoughts, sounds like your judgment was either impaired due to writing in anger of sort, or just plain flawed due to how you were brought up.

The cursing. I won't let my own opinion on cursing here impinge your idea, but please, if you want an audience, you HAVE to make it SUITABLE for an audience. This includes chopping off a lot of the vulgarity. Vulgarity fits in a lot more with comedy for some reason, hence why Douglas Adams was able to make his book more interesting even with the vulgarity. In adventure novels, using "s/he cursed" is more appropriate. I have mentioned this already to an extent.

The fact that you're not being entirely realistic Jessica would have either down right ran away in ignorance, or would have fainted as opposed to just letting out a large gasp at a letter that funky.

Vocabulary. It doesn't matter much, but it'll give your story some flavor if you some more uncommon words in the English Language, like farce (replaces stuff or, "that's bull****").

 

[BrokenX]

I am so not reading that rinpun too long , Rinpun is probably writing a novel for us right now.


BrokenX

 

[DM Cross]

About the swearing:

South River (my hometown) is a fairly crappy town. The kids swear, the parents swear, everyone swears. I was just trying to make it a tad more real, because, let's face it: Kids today swear. ESPECIALLY high school kids. It's just...What they do. (At least around here)

If you pay attention, I write that Elizabeth's parents ARE NOT getting divorced. Elizabeth just THINKS it's coming.

As for Jessica, you find this out later in the book, but she's not all there. She's a writer of fantasy herself, and she's not exactly ENTIRELY in our world anymore. (Little bit of my personality shoved into her) So that's why she doesn't just disbelieve Elizabeth. (I may have to make that a bit more clear, though, so people don't have that same reaction...Sorry bout that! )

-Edit-

The 'she thought' discussion: I didn't mean it's NATURALLY like that, as in everyone does it. I meant I do it that way, and you may not like it. That's ok, everyone's going to dislike something, so I don't have a problem. Just try not to make it a huge issue, please. That's how I do that particular thing...

<Same thing for swearing.>